I hate the days when I start crying for absolutly no reason. Now, almost everyone that knows me will know that I am a very sensitive, emotional person and it doesn't take much to make me cry. But more and more often I am getting this terribly heavy feeling and then I can't stop crying. Like now, nothing is upsetting me, noone has hurt me but still I am crying, and I don't know how to stop it, because I don't know why it started.
Sometimes I think if I had a boyfriend, or a job or whatever I wouldn't feel like this, that I'd be happy. But seriously? I know being with someone wouldn't make me feel better, I know that from damn experience. And working? Well, I tried that and I would spend my breaks in the toilets crying. I didn't have a bad job, my work was easy, my workmates amazing, it just still upset me.
I used to think that there was some secret to happiness out there. But now, I'm not so sure. So I am retreating deeper and deeper into some fucked up fantasy world. And I mean, that just depresses me even more when I pull myself back to reality and realise how unhappy I am with myself and everything around me. So I go back to my imagination to block everything out. It's a disgusting cycle that I can't seem to break. More and more often I am finding it hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is in my head, and that fuckin' scares me.
I don't know what I am writing anymore, I don't know what I am trying to say. I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore.