Sunday, July 27, 2008


I hate the days when I start crying for absolutly no reason. Now, almost everyone that knows me will know that I am a very sensitive, emotional person and it doesn't take much to make me cry. But more and more often I am getting this terribly heavy feeling and then I can't stop crying. Like now, nothing is upsetting me, noone has hurt me but still I am crying, and I don't know how to stop it, because I don't know why it started.

Sometimes I think if I had a boyfriend, or a job or whatever I wouldn't feel like this, that I'd be happy. But seriously? I know being with someone wouldn't make me feel better, I know that from damn experience. And working? Well, I tried that and I would spend my breaks in the toilets crying. I didn't have a bad job, my work was easy, my workmates amazing, it just still upset me.

I used to think that there was some secret to happiness out there. But now, I'm not so sure. So I am retreating deeper and deeper into some fucked up fantasy world. And I mean, that just depresses me even more when I pull myself back to reality and realise how unhappy I am with myself and everything around me. So I go back to my imagination to block everything out. It's a disgusting cycle that I can't seem to break. More and more often I am finding it hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is in my head, and that fuckin' scares me.

I don't know what I am writing anymore, I don't know what I am trying to say. I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I found this post after viewing your work on Craftster. I hope you are doing better now. I went through a similar period in my life and I realized I had to make some changes. In my case it was leaving my ex. You are right that other people can't make you happy. That has to come from inside you. Focus on the things you enjoy. Really search to see what you can do to change the things that are bothering you. If, like me, you used the fantasy world to not deal with whats really happening, it won't take much searching to find the problem. It takes courage to make the changes. Stay strong. You have an amazing talent, I love the things you do on Craftster. I hope you will find a way out of your darkness and a much better place.